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lunes, julio 05, 2004

9:39 a.m.
Music by: Bjork [Verandi]

It was about 7:00 a.m. when it all happen at once. Just remembering it makes my cry and shrink myself. You have no idea how frustrating is to have such a difficult time just by writing this.
At 7:00 a.m. there was such an resounding and hard noise in the backyard, just by the window in my room. Unknow things were smashed against each other, and horrible growlings filled the air. At the same time, my wife, who's face I had in front of me started screaming pitch high. It took me about a couple of seconds to realize what was happening, but in those two seconds I was terrified, I screamed and then said to her:

"Don't scream, don't scream, it's just some cats fighting in the backyard, don't scream".

She hold me tight and calmed down. Half minute atter, I tell her that I was going to check the place, and for our cat. I found two cat's but none was Luca. I got back to the room, told my wife I was gonna leave the house for a moment to check for Luca in the street. She came with me. All the time since I was woken up by screaming I kept shaking.
We didn't find her and went back to bed and then I realized I haven't been so scared in my whole life. I have been waken up before by fighting cats (they make such a riot) but never by screaming.

And then it got worse.

I was afraid.

I felt like I have lose something forever. I felt unsecure and uneasy. I couldn't help to cover me with the sheet up to my chin, like I did when I was a kid and I was afraid of the dark. I coudn't let go of my second pillow, and I found myself holding her thight with both arms. I couldn't move. I was afraid of turning to my wife, 'cause the mere tought of it made me imagine a face screaming at me. It was awful. I lose control. I didn't dare to look at the window either, I was afraid someone or something will show up suddenly to watch me. Just remmembering it gives me the chills: right now I have ghostbumps and my eyes starts to water.
Once I opened my eyes I couldn't keep them for checking the window, the door and my wife, who's presence I was afraid of looking and not-looking at. The slightest noise make me jump.

Now I'm at the computer and cannot sleep. I had Björk's "Verandi" at the mp3 player, but I had to shut it, because I suddenly found the music to eerie. If someone would came and scream at me now, I'm sure about this, I'd lose it completly.

My wife is freaked out. She seems very worried and warns me:

"You're going insane."

I keep having these flashes of her screaming by my face at my sleep, and it brings me a deep fear, sadness and sorrow.

It's been 90 minutes since then. And I still can't get a hold of myself. I dare not to go to bed and try to sleep. I'm way to much, to much scared.

I'm at a new lowest point. I'm afraid of never having my life back the way it used to be. I'm now in a great need of help, but thay's as long as my thinking goes.

I am deeply terrorized and paralized by this.

It's such an embarrasment to be this afraid. My wife keeps telling me there's nothing to be afraid of, and I know it, but I just can't stop feeling totally terrified.

cn

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Caballo Negro© es una tira cómica de Jorge Cavazos.